{"id":7004,"date":"2017-01-12T09:50:03","date_gmt":"2017-01-12T15:50:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/customwordpresssites.com\/mjb\/?p=7004"},"modified":"2026-02-26T13:44:15","modified_gmt":"2026-02-26T19:44:15","slug":"unfriended","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/customwordpresssites.com\/mjb\/2017\/01\/12\/unfriended\/","title":{"rendered":"Unfriended"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cWhile he was at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners came and sat with Jesus and his disciples. The Pharisees saw this and said to his disciples, \u201cWhy does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?\u201d ~<\/span><\/i>\u00a0Matthew 9:10-11<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

This past fall, in the final ramp up to the election, I saw an increasingly common message in my social media feeds. Each individual message varied slightly, but more or less the message would read:<\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span>I care very deeply about X, and it seems to me obvious that all ethically minded people believe X. Therefore, if you don\u2019t believe X, you are a villain and I don\u2019t want to associate with you. You have no place at my table. Reveal yourself so I can unfriend you and waste no more time on our relationship.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

The first time I saw it, I thought nothing of it. \u201cOk, interesting \u2026 a little dramatic.\u201d But then I saw it again. And again. Then I saw you could download a tool to automatically remove any Trump supporters from your friends list. Then I saw a tool to do the same for Clinton supporters. And then I started hearing people \u201cunfriending\u201d people in the real, flesh and blood world. People would say to me, \u201cI just couldn\u2019t believe my friend\/cousin\/brother-in-law supports Trump\/Clinton \u2026 I\u2019ll never speak to him again. I don\u2019t want toxic people like that in my life.\u201d<\/p>\n

I understand the impulse. I am a person of strong, fiercely held beliefs. I believe in an objective moral order. I frequently clash, and strongly, with those who disagree with what I believe are tenets of the moral law. How liberating it would be to end those conflicts by painting my foes as irredeemable villains and dismissing them from my presence: \u201cBe gone, fiend!\u201d And then I could turn to myself in my own satisfaction and pray, \u201cO God, I thank you that I am not like the rest of humanity–greedy, dishonest, adulterous–or even like this foolish person who I have so rightly chastised.\u201d<\/p>\n

And yet, it seems such a sentiment is very far from the mind of Christ. Indeed, he told us such prayers will never make us justified. To unfriend someone–to cut someone out of our circle of relationship because they have failed us in thought, word, or deed–suffers from some serious misapprehensions.<\/p>\n

First, it misunderstands conversion. Maybe your foe is really wrong about something: truly, grievously wrong. Do you think casting anger and resentment at them will make them see the error of their ways? Do you hope to convert them with disdain and hatred? Maybe the truth is that you just want to punish them, to get revenge on them for their small-mindedness \u2026 and it should go without saying that desire for revenge has no place in a heart that sincerely invites Christ to dwell within it.<\/p>\n

Second, it misunderstands friendship. Friendship is not an endorsement of all the thoughts, feelings and political stances of your friends. If anyone who is my friend sees our relationship as an endorsement of my inherent sanctity or of the moral purity of my beliefs, you should unfriend me now because I will disappoint you. I am a sinner, and a struggling pilgrim on the way home–I will say and do many more stupid, sinful things before I reach my destination. But friendship is not based on us being judge, parent, or schoolmaster to our friends. Friendship is based on love and, at the end of the day, all love is unearned. It is a free gift, given in spite of the recipient\u2019s weaknesses–otherwise, it is not love at all.<\/p>\n

\"icon-friendship\"
“Icon of Friendship: Christ and Abbot Mena”<\/em><\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

And finally, since so many of these \u201cunfriend requests\u201d come as the result of a political disagreement, it is worth noting that this action also misunderstands the way Christians are to be political. The Church is political. We believe in Incarnation, and that means our beliefs will take shape in this world. The Church has a responsibility to engage actively in the struggle for peace and justice. But the Church\u2019s first and foremost responsibility is to be the Church, which means that it has to look like Jesus. Jesus\u2019 priorities shape not only our political agendas, but how we are to pursue them. To quote John Howard Yoder (and <\/span>Charles E. Moore\u2019s recent reflection on him in <\/span>Plough<\/span><\/i><\/a>), we cannot \u201cwield power and wealth \u2018as instruments of coercion and pressure, obliging an adversary to yield unconvinced,\u2019\u201d but must instead \u201cshow what life is like when God is on the throne.\u201d If we are forbidden to wield power and wealth coercively, how much less ought we use love and friendship in such a manner? Jesus would not have done so, and thus, neither should we.<\/span><\/p>\n

Christ ate with sinners and, in fact, specifically sought them out. He told us to never judge our brothers and sisters while we still have logs in our own eyes, and to never throw stones while we ourselves stand sinful before him. He commanded us to love our enemies: modeled this for us, loving us unto death while we were still his enemies. Love, mercy, and friendship – even to those who don\u2019t seem to deserve it. That is the Gospel. Even on Facebook, even in an election year.<\/span><\/p>\n

About the Rabble Rouser<\/a>:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Steven-Cottam\"Steven Cottam<\/strong><\/a> serves as youth minister at Our Lady of Lourdes Catholic Church. He lives in the Church Hill neighborhood of Richmond, Virginia, with his lovely wife, his adorable daughter and his very strange dog. He is an active member of Common Change<\/a>, a group which seeks to gather and distribute tithe money in a relational and collaborative way. He has been friends with Sister Julia ever since they were students, coworkers, and cooking club members together at Catholic Theological Union in Chicago. His interests and passions include Aikido, gardening, coffee, and becoming a Jedi Master.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"\u201cWhile he was at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners came and sat with Jesus and his disciples. The Pharisees saw this and said to his disciples, \u201cWhy does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?\u201d ~\u00a0Matthew 9:10-11 This past fall, in the final ramp up to the election, I saw...","protected":false},"author":3935050,"featured_media":7011,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2528],"tags":[30786,698755374,106887,19229,3005674,81819,401,4902,7816,295249831,8329,619986,87848,3723,3785,100179,38205,12725,631005,197,399134,49818,6,4403076,14387],"series":[698756626],"class_list":["post-7004","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-community","tag-beliefs","tag-community","tag-conversion","tag-election","tag-election-year","tag-facebook","tag-faith","tag-friendship","tag-god","tag-gospel-liviing","tag-jesus","tag-john-howard-yoder","tag-judgement","tag-kindness","tag-love","tag-mercy","tag-morality","tag-online-life","tag-polarization","tag-relationships","tag-sinners","tag-social-media","tag-technology","tag-unfriending","tag-values","series-messy-jesus-business"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/customwordpresssites.com\/mjb\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/icon_of_friendship_luwr.jpg","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/customwordpresssites.com\/mjb\/wp-content\/plugins\/seriously-simple-podcasting\/assets\/images\/no-album-art.png","download_link":"","player_link":"","audio_player":false,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"dark","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"stitcher":{"key":"stitcher","url":"","label":"Stitcher","class":"stitcher","icon":"stitcher.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/customwordpresssites.com\/mjb\/feed\/podcast\/messy-jesus-business","embedCode":"

Unfriended<\/a><\/blockquote>