{"id":18942,"date":"2022-12-06T10:55:32","date_gmt":"2022-12-06T16:55:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/customwordpresssites.com\/mjb\/?p=18942"},"modified":"2026-02-09T08:18:41","modified_gmt":"2026-02-09T14:18:41","slug":"advent-in-a-time-of-unbelief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/customwordpresssites.com\/mjb\/2022\/12\/06\/advent-in-a-time-of-unbelief\/","title":{"rendered":"Advent In a Time of Unbelief"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

We missed the first Sunday of Advent. While we\u2019ve missed nearly every Sunday mass for the last two years, this one felt particularly discouraging. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe because the day before I was heard on more than one occasion saying, \u201cI\u2019m going to go to mass tomorrow if anyone wants to join me,\u201d verbally attempting to hold myself accountable.  It felt like more than another lapse, like letting myself down.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Having social anxiety and mild agoraphobia means doing anything outside the daily routine (especially if it\u2019s outside the house) requires an exhaustive force of effort. Add two squirrely young daughters and an agnostic eight-year-old son, and just thinking about trying to bring morning mass back into our routine wears me down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I determined we\u2019d dive into celebrating Advent nonetheless. Perhaps not by attending mass, but at least by unearthing (aka bringing up from the basement) the sacred objects that invite us into remembering our own family\u2019s interpretation of liturgical ritual, restoring dormant routines.<\/p>\n\n\n

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Image courtesy of Amy Nee Walker<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

So, in spite of the mess \u2014 cluttered table, crabby kids and tired, distracted parents \u2014 we began to revisit the ancient stories of our faith, remembering that they too were anything but tidy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We lit a nubby candle on our bent, out-of-shape wreath and hung an ornament on the Jesse Tree made years ago with the help of dimpled, toddler hands.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We remembered the beginning when the spirit hovered over darkness and dreamed of filling the nothing with life, and we sang \u201cO Come, O Come, Emmanuel.\u201d And it was good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But still, missing the mass again \u2014 even after internally committing myself, even at the onset of this treasured season \u2014 burdened me. It felt like further evidence of my crumbling faith slipping through my fingers.<\/p>\n\n\n

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Photo courtesy of Amy Nee Walker<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n
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Image courtesy of Amy Nee Walker<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Crumbling faith sounds more dramatic than it feels, and certainly more definitive. It is more of a generic doubt, peppered with a tinge of disgust and a light glaze of weary disinterest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wonder if what I feel is akin to Joseph when presented with Mary\u2019s implausible miracle and, not wanting to cause a scene, decided to quietly divorce her. In his case, he was brought on board by an angel, confirming Mary\u2019s story, in a dream. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dreams were a turning point for me too, though with different results in my case. It was a couple of years ago, months into my firstborn being plagued by nightmares.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remembered how much memorizing scripture and prayer soothed me during my own fear-fraught childhood and offered to pray with him. His eyes brimming with tears, he answered \u201cI\u2019ve tried praying. I\u2019ve tried and tried. Nothing changes. I don\u2019t think God hears me.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

His evident sense of rejection and despair broke my heart. It also resonated with that unresolved feeling within that surfaces at the sight of suffering that seems to defy either omniscience or goodness when it comes to the character of God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was another two years, when he was preparing for First Communion, that our son let us know he didn\u2019t believe in God; that the concept didn\u2019t resonate. \u201cI\u2019d need more evidence,\u201d he said. This is the position he maintains, living into his middle name, Thomas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s an unsettling situation to feel compelled on the one hand to try to convince my child of the Presence of God while, on the other hand, being honest and real and sharing my own doubts.<\/p>\n\n\n

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Image courtesy of Amy Nee Walker<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n
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Image courtesy of Amy Nee Walker<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

The feeling of belief can come and go, and trying to force or to fake it feels too disingenuous a practice to engage in or to encourage in another. Instead we have tried to explore how we shape our sense of our place on earth and our conscience amidst the ambiguity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The arguments for and against an interventionist God are out there and may be something worth exploring together as a family in the future. Presently I find all theological argumentation infinitely tiring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead I\u2019ve allowed my untidy feelings of discomfort with dogma to just be, holding them with curiosity and doing my best to live a loving life in the midst of the mess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not anticipating an angelic message to set me straight. I am not letting fatigue and chronic doubt completely derail enjoying, learning from and sharing traditions with my family, either.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have often thought, since the night with my frightened, forsaken-feeling son, that perhaps God answers prayer by giving us each other. And also by giving us stories; stories that shape our faith, our families and our own identities; stories that expand our vision and break open our hearts, that confound our sense of what\u2019s possible.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

During Advent, whether or not I make it to mass, I\u2019ll join with my little family and with the human masses of the past and present as we mourn and celebrate, as we give voice to our longing and sing, \u201cO Come, O Come, Emmanuel.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n

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Image courtesy of Amy Nee Walker<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

ABOUT THE AUTHOR<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"Amy-Nee-Walker-with-man-and-three-children\"<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Amy Nee-Walker<\/strong> grew up in the middle of a large and lovely family in Central Florida. Living into questions about truth and love has led her to the Catholic Worker Movement, the Catholic Church, her incredible husband, three audacious, adorable children, and (for the time being) a home in the hills of Appalachia.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"We missed the first Sunday of Advent. While we\u2019ve missed nearly every Sunday mass for the last two years, this one felt particularly discouraging.  Maybe because the day before I was heard on more than one occasion saying, \u201cI\u2019m going to go to mass tomorrow if anyone wants to join me,\u201d verbally attempting to hold...","protected":false},"author":4256190,"featured_media":18953,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[698755598],"tags":[698755378,2568,694216,14196316,698756183,234842,1547,401,4355352,698756179,13777,34036,698756178,853,698756181,698756180,698756182,18002,698756185,698756184],"series":[698756626],"class_list":["post-18942","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-christian-family-life","tag-advent","tag-christian","tag-christian-family","tag-christmas","tag-disbelief","tag-doubt","tag-dreams","tag-faith","tag-faith-struggles","tag-family-prayer-ritual","tag-liturgy","tag-longing","tag-oh-come-oh-come-emmanuel","tag-prayer","tag-religious-identity","tag-religious-practices","tag-sacred-objects","tag-searching","tag-spiritual-tension","tag-uncertainty","series-messy-jesus-business"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/customwordpresssites.com\/mjb\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/family-around-christmas-tree-rotated.jpg","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/customwordpresssites.com\/mjb\/wp-content\/plugins\/seriously-simple-podcasting\/assets\/images\/no-album-art.png","download_link":"","player_link":"","audio_player":false,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"dark","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"stitcher":{"key":"stitcher","url":"","label":"Stitcher","class":"stitcher","icon":"stitcher.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/customwordpresssites.com\/mjb\/feed\/podcast\/messy-jesus-business","embedCode":"

Advent In a Time of Unbelief<\/a><\/blockquote>